My Life

wow...all this time excited to go to bootcamp and becoming a marine, just to come home a nasty civillian again. yeah so i got half way thru training then during a PFT, 3 mile run, my femoral neck (hip) fractured, i had to have surgery and eveything. they put 3 pins int here to hold the bone together, i was in a medical hold at the hospital for a fucking month, that really sucked ass... i have to have another surgery in april to remove the damn pins and crap... yeah so life sucks...
carlos is the best, i love him more everyday =) im looking for an apartment right now with him, not that easy tho to find an affordable one in a nice area..well thats it for now

so i actually did my shit today to get to bootcamp and i leave monday and go to MEPS and then they put me in a hotel room and i fly out tuesday morning..so it was the best birthday present ever to find out that im actually gonna take that next big step to be a marine... i know that since everything took so long ima appriciate it so much more...
so everything i worked for all comes down to bootcamp...the final test to see if i have what it takes..and although i know its going to kick my ass, and ill be in so much pain mentally and physically ima pull thru and get out and be a marine..so thats my motivation...
today is my birthday and it sucks...im home alone, kinda depressed...and ive cried a hundred times today..nice birthday as usual

im so happy!! i get 2 leave!! finally!!! YAY!!! my crunches are going so well, i did them so good yesterday, i did 40 and they didnt count two cuz i moved so whatever... but i keep my hands down the whole time and i cant wait to get to bootcamp and finally bea fucking MARINE

i am finally leaving... monday feb 27th 2006,. im out to bootcamp and i cant wait!! this is going to be the best thing for me and my daughter... i am so proud that i have come this far and not given up and quit like ive wanted to... maybe things will start to look up to the brighter side... actually... i know they will!!!!

its been hard on me being home and being with desiree...although shes my angle my everything it was so easy to block her out and get motivated to leave, it sounds horrible but my love for her honostly holds me back from alot and its the worst but best pain in the world...

carlos and i are still good, which is nice... hope things work out and i hope bootcamp doesnt make me someone he hates... hes the best

right now i am so home sick, but im HOME, and im still home sick... for some reason i thought i would come home and there would be so many open arms, but none...
my dad is living outside in the trailer because of something that happened between up that i dont want to mention over this livejournal... i miss alot of my friends...

well thats my update... i love you all, never forget that =)

IM at my parents now... i decided it was best for me to be with Desiree... its gonna be so hard tho... my dad is already being an asshole... the second i walked in he was yelling... i cant take too much of this anymore... its so hard to sit there and have to swollow my pride while someone makes me feel like shit.... i have to completly bow down to them in order to get anywhere... it really sucks... but if i stick up i find myself out on the streets... so i will continue to swollow my pride... not only that they gave me a bunch of stupid rules to follow... Carlos cant sleep in the bed with me anymore, and if i take desiree out i have to be home by 8pm.. shes my daughter, yet they act like shes theres... like i give a fuck, ill take my daughter out when and where i want to...

BOOTCAMP...
yes yes yes, the small old thing...
this time has to be the time... there arnt alot of female shippers this time, and they have no back ups so they are sure that even if i dont do my crunches that i will be sent to bootcamp... im really excited.. scared now too... im scared to leave my daughter behind, leave my friends, leave carlos... im worried no one will be here when i get back... although everyone is reasuring me that they will be, its hard to think that what they say is true after so many lies and all the pain ive been thru already with Liers...

Carlos and I got in this fight over a girl named Carla he went to a club with.. i dont remember him saying anything to me about it... so when i saw a pic in his phone of a girl i freaked... i trust him so much, but for some reason that incident just brought a huge flashback, and i had this weird idea in my head that he must be with someone else and cheating... i know that was totally wrong now, i hurt him by being the stupid ashlie i am and getting into it with him over something i shouldnt even question... for once ima make a relationship work the way it should.. by trusting... and in the end if i get hurt, then at least i know i tried my best and put as much as i could into the realtionship.. Carlos is a great guy, and i owe him alot of respect and thanks for being there for me 24/7, literally... hes been the biggest support to me..

so im still in oceanside...
i talked with my parents, and im going home for a while... or at least till i go to bootcamp or get another job. ive decided to try to once again go to MEPS and try to ship out to bootcamp... this will be my last atempt... at one point i decided not to go, i thought id just not do it and get a job and start my life... but then i realized that i am so close to accomplishing my goal, and if i give up now, it was all for nothing! and im not a failure, nor am i a quitter.. so i am going to try it just once more...

Valentines Day was nice... Carlos brought my my favorite flowers and favorite candies... a complete surprise cuz Valentines Day Ive always been alone...but not this one =) so it was sweet and really nice of Carlos to get me something like that...

Friday i go to my parents... i think me and carlos are gonna go to the beach at night... i want to spend as much time with him before i leave so he doesnt forget about me when i leave...

ima hate to leave Oceanside... its so nice here... i absolutly love it... hanging out with Amy and The Carlos's has been so much fun, and a well needed and deserved vacation away from home, a vacation away from EVERYTHING...

ive got my mind in order now... having this time away enabled me to think and figure out what i want and need in my life... although the circumstances werent right, i am still greatfull for the oppurtunity to think about everything and get my life and mind in order

so today i feel like shit...
my stomach hurts, i have a headach, and im natiouse.. really sucks..
thats about all for today =)

hes a beaner... tall... smelly... lazy... blind... deaf...

hes cute, and smart, and nice, and funny, and a dork

i saw that movie today, it was good... carlos once again talked and LAUGHED the whole time during the times ppl died..hahaha...
i miss desiree still...
still thinking that i made a mistake joining the Marines, but who knows could be a phase...
miss shauna, shes the best....
miss tara..miss everyone

I went to MEPS to test for my crunches so i can leave on monday for bootcamp.. i went with my friend melissa and i did my crunches first.... i was doing fine then the asshole who was timing me keep making me stop to readjust my arms saying that none of the crunches i did counted because i moved my arms... i counted 33 that i did, only 24 went on record... i could have done more but the ass keep making me stop.... im so pissed...not only that but melissa went after me and she moved her arms and had her hand up and she did "50" and she took my place to go to bootcamp.... so now i might be able to go feb 27th... but at this point i am so ready to fucking drop out and get a job.. i want my family back, i want my daughter back, i want my life back...maybe this isnt for me, or maybe it is... i dont know what the right path is to take.... id love to be a MARINE...and i love everything about it... but maybe its not for me...

so im here in san diego just kicking back with my friend amy... spending time with mah boy carlos, and mentally preparing myself for one of the biggest challenges ill ever have to face... USMC bootcamp...
my fear has turned to anxiousness, and my anxioty has turned into excitment... so im ready to get the hell outta california and go to bootcamp...
it seems to real to me now that i am actually gonna get to go to bootcamp and be a marine and be able to support desiree all by my self!! i know all this is extremely repeatative but i cant help but ponder the same things over and over in my head time and time again...

things seem to be going okay... i miss desiree a whole lot... my mom disconnected my phone so i cant call anyone or get any calls =(

carlos and i are doing okay.. he met shauna, which is so good!! and they liked eachother so im so happy about that...

bootcamp is going to not only be a physical challenge for me, but also a challenge for my friendships and relationships with people.. ill be gone for a long time, and to see whos there waiting for me when i succeed, or even fail is kinda exciting too....

just in this past month the way i look at things and how i look at life has dramatically changed... im not a child anymore, so i dont need to act like it... im turing 20, so no excises for teenage behaivor... ima a mom, so no excuses for no responsibility... damn im growing up and its all happening so fast... when i was 16 i couldnt wait to grow up and be an adult, have a family... now i am and i have a daughter and ijust wish i can take the years away and be 16 again. the things you worry about when you are 16 seem so horrible then, how you look, who you date, sex..so on and so on... if only life was like that forever and i could just worry about that... now i worry about money, my daughter, a okace to live, a career, health... we change so much in just a year alone...

so today im at my parents alone just sitting here doing nothing, getting some R&R... i miss desiree tho, cant wait till she gets home!!
ive been thinking about bootcamp all day long, i am so anxiouse to leave!!!

this past week has been so hectic, crazy, exciting, and hella fun!

staying with lauren and all that was so much fun, and being jewish for amoment was cool too!

staying with daryl and parties and all is always a good time, especially when i know im leaving for bootcamp really soon.

shauna of course the best... staying at her house has been fun as hell!! i love her boy core core, hes so funny and just perfect for shauna... makes me happy =)

carlos came and saw me thursday, we went and ate and then came back to my house to crash, it was fun... then he drove me aorund every where as usual and droped me off at daryls house to stay the night, i missed that caca head... so we had a good time.

when i was at daryls last night melissa a friend got drunk and her boyfriend is kinda like how axel was to me, very controlling and over protective...shes on a leash pretty much... well she called him to see if she could stay with me for the night and he freaked out, came to darlys with some big ass fool... OMG he wanted to take melissa and i was not about to let that shit happen... after arguing, fights, and cussing, melissa walked away and stayed...
we did try to lighten things up and have fun... but it was so horrible, the whole night just got so horrible so fast!!

i leave for bootcamp feb 13th, cant fucking wait... im so excited that i finally get to go... all i keep thinking about is being a marine and getting my shit done to take care of my beautiful little girl all on my own!through all the negative talk, and with all the bullshit... i know this is going to be a good thing for me... it has to be... i know this is where ima finally get a chance to be me and do what i have to do to be a responsible parent...

yeah i really hate v-day...theres so much pressure surronding the whole day... and i know that things start to get so akward... ive never been a fan of valentines day... ever since i started dating i always had this image of what valentines should be, and each year nothing great has ever happened... my first valentines day rolled by in 2000 and my boyfrined didnt do anything for me at all!!! the next one and the times after that ive had boyfriends on valentines day and each year nothing... the most ive gotten is candy and a balloon...woopdie do... but its not like i expect anything... i just want to see someone that night,,, valentines day is so depressing for me...i dont want to be alone once again'..but this year i dont expect anything, so i cant possibly get hurt if i dont have expectations... it would be nice tho to have something special for me before i leave and all...

im okay tho, shaunas the best, i love having a secure place to stay,,,not house to house...kinda sucks...

i miss my baby girl desiree.. shes potty training right now, im so proad of my smart little monster....

well well well...

this is gonna be long, or should be..


well i first stayed at laurens, that was fun as hell. then the next night we went to her friend mikes house, that was really funny...
shauna then came and got me and ive been with her..staying at her beautiful house..ts awsome... i miss my baby tho... i think about her 24/7..besides that im living it up while i can. went to magic mountain, universal studios, and saq a liv taping of Freddie with freddie prince jr..it was awsome

well today i did 36 crunches!!!!! and i have to do 44 in two minutes to go to bootcamp... im very motivated to go now, i cant wait! i go for inspect Feb 10, 2006...and i know ill do good...and when i do i ship out Feb 13!!!! one day before valentines day, but ill be here actually untill feb 15... i dont expect anything for Valentines Day anyway =) so its all good... and ima miss my birthdat, feb 24, but thats okay too...
so im really excited to go...
i dont have alot of support... my parents dont want me to go, friends dont want me to go, and now carlos is being weird about it to. i dont expect anyone to agree with my decison, but i do expect people to support me in anything i do. and im hardly feeling that rightnow

so i found out today my ship date isnt till feb 23rd, yeah one day before my birthday!!!!!!!! anyway im pissed cuz i cant wait that long, so they said if i do my 44 crunches before then ill leave on feb 6th, so i hope i do. my parents dont even want me to go anymore. so i pretty much am just supporting my self with this. but this is what i want to do regardless of what people think or say. so im going. this girl i work out with was in the same position as me, she cant do crunches..but today she did her 44!! i am so happy for her...and i know if she can do it i can do it!!!! so duck i should be able to do this and get the hell outta here. i really need to go

well i talked to my recruiter today, and he said ill ship out hopefully next week...
but i have to go to the gym still and work out for 2 or 3 hours again everyday and do a million crunches, which will be good for me.
i hope i pass, i know i will, i have to do this... if i dont pass im giving up and getting a job, i cant afford not to go...

okay so my recruiter finally called me right now, and he said he has to wait till tomorrow @ 8am to know if im going to MEPS tomorrow to re-test for my crunches... if i go, which for some reason i dont think i am, i hope i do all my crunches...if i have to wait another week to go. no biggie, i have more time to do my crunches and prepare for bootcamp =)

well last night was my dads birthday party, and it was fun.
desiree was kinda a pain as usual but i did get some R&R in there.

well the only really shitty thing about yesterday was that i was suppose to go to Magic Mountain today and i was really looking foward to going and seeing Carlos, getting out and all. and his friends cancelled, so we couldnt go. really pissed me off cuz i had to work to get a babysitter for nothing. and thats not easy, cuz desiree is hard to watch so no one ever wants to watch her...

so today i thought id go with my brother, but i felt guilty to call the girl back and have her watch desiree after i already cancelled on her, TWICE... so yeah im just at home...

not only that im fucking getting sick ,and so is desiree...

so i can already see how this week is gonna be...

still no word as to when i leave...