My Life

wow...all this time excited to go to bootcamp and becoming a marine, just to come home a nasty civillian again. yeah so i got half way thru training then during a PFT, 3 mile run, my femoral neck (hip) fractured, i had to have surgery and eveything. they put 3 pins int here to hold the bone together, i was in a medical hold at the hospital for a fucking month, that really sucked ass... i have to have another surgery in april to remove the damn pins and crap... yeah so life sucks...
carlos is the best, i love him more everyday =) im looking for an apartment right now with him, not that easy tho to find an affordable one in a nice area..well thats it for now

so i actually did my shit today to get to bootcamp and i leave monday and go to MEPS and then they put me in a hotel room and i fly out tuesday morning..so it was the best birthday present ever to find out that im actually gonna take that next big step to be a marine... i know that since everything took so long ima appriciate it so much more...
so everything i worked for all comes down to bootcamp...the final test to see if i have what it takes..and although i know its going to kick my ass, and ill be in so much pain mentally and physically ima pull thru and get out and be a marine..so thats my motivation...
today is my birthday and it sucks...im home alone, kinda depressed...and ive cried a hundred times today..nice birthday as usual

im so happy!! i get 2 leave!! finally!!! YAY!!! my crunches are going so well, i did them so good yesterday, i did 40 and they didnt count two cuz i moved so whatever... but i keep my hands down the whole time and i cant wait to get to bootcamp and finally bea fucking MARINE

i am finally leaving... monday feb 27th 2006,. im out to bootcamp and i cant wait!! this is going to be the best thing for me and my daughter... i am so proud that i have come this far and not given up and quit like ive wanted to... maybe things will start to look up to the brighter side... actually... i know they will!!!!

its been hard on me being home and being with desiree...although shes my angle my everything it was so easy to block her out and get motivated to leave, it sounds horrible but my love for her honostly holds me back from alot and its the worst but best pain in the world...

carlos and i are still good, which is nice... hope things work out and i hope bootcamp doesnt make me someone he hates... hes the best

right now i am so home sick, but im HOME, and im still home sick... for some reason i thought i would come home and there would be so many open arms, but none...
my dad is living outside in the trailer because of something that happened between up that i dont want to mention over this livejournal... i miss alot of my friends...

well thats my update... i love you all, never forget that =)

IM at my parents now... i decided it was best for me to be with Desiree... its gonna be so hard tho... my dad is already being an asshole... the second i walked in he was yelling... i cant take too much of this anymore... its so hard to sit there and have to swollow my pride while someone makes me feel like shit.... i have to completly bow down to them in order to get anywhere... it really sucks... but if i stick up i find myself out on the streets... so i will continue to swollow my pride... not only that they gave me a bunch of stupid rules to follow... Carlos cant sleep in the bed with me anymore, and if i take desiree out i have to be home by 8pm.. shes my daughter, yet they act like shes theres... like i give a fuck, ill take my daughter out when and where i want to...

BOOTCAMP...
yes yes yes, the small old thing...
this time has to be the time... there arnt alot of female shippers this time, and they have no back ups so they are sure that even if i dont do my crunches that i will be sent to bootcamp... im really excited.. scared now too... im scared to leave my daughter behind, leave my friends, leave carlos... im worried no one will be here when i get back... although everyone is reasuring me that they will be, its hard to think that what they say is true after so many lies and all the pain ive been thru already with Liers...

Carlos and I got in this fight over a girl named Carla he went to a club with.. i dont remember him saying anything to me about it... so when i saw a pic in his phone of a girl i freaked... i trust him so much, but for some reason that incident just brought a huge flashback, and i had this weird idea in my head that he must be with someone else and cheating... i know that was totally wrong now, i hurt him by being the stupid ashlie i am and getting into it with him over something i shouldnt even question... for once ima make a relationship work the way it should.. by trusting... and in the end if i get hurt, then at least i know i tried my best and put as much as i could into the realtionship.. Carlos is a great guy, and i owe him alot of respect and thanks for being there for me 24/7, literally... hes been the biggest support to me..

so im still in oceanside...
i talked with my parents, and im going home for a while... or at least till i go to bootcamp or get another job. ive decided to try to once again go to MEPS and try to ship out to bootcamp... this will be my last atempt... at one point i decided not to go, i thought id just not do it and get a job and start my life... but then i realized that i am so close to accomplishing my goal, and if i give up now, it was all for nothing! and im not a failure, nor am i a quitter.. so i am going to try it just once more...

Valentines Day was nice... Carlos brought my my favorite flowers and favorite candies... a complete surprise cuz Valentines Day Ive always been alone...but not this one =) so it was sweet and really nice of Carlos to get me something like that...

Friday i go to my parents... i think me and carlos are gonna go to the beach at night... i want to spend as much time with him before i leave so he doesnt forget about me when i leave...

ima hate to leave Oceanside... its so nice here... i absolutly love it... hanging out with Amy and The Carlos's has been so much fun, and a well needed and deserved vacation away from home, a vacation away from EVERYTHING...

ive got my mind in order now... having this time away enabled me to think and figure out what i want and need in my life... although the circumstances werent right, i am still greatfull for the oppurtunity to think about everything and get my life and mind in order

so today i feel like shit...
my stomach hurts, i have a headach, and im natiouse.. really sucks..
thats about all for today =)

hes a beaner... tall... smelly... lazy... blind... deaf...

hes cute, and smart, and nice, and funny, and a dork

i saw that movie today, it was good... carlos once again talked and LAUGHED the whole time during the times ppl died..hahaha...
i miss desiree still...
still thinking that i made a mistake joining the Marines, but who knows could be a phase...
miss shauna, shes the best....
miss tara..miss everyone

I went to MEPS to test for my crunches so i can leave on monday for bootcamp.. i went with my friend melissa and i did my crunches first.... i was doing fine then the asshole who was timing me keep making me stop to readjust my arms saying that none of the crunches i did counted because i moved my arms... i counted 33 that i did, only 24 went on record... i could have done more but the ass keep making me stop.... im so pissed...not only that but melissa went after me and she moved her arms and had her hand up and she did "50" and she took my place to go to bootcamp.... so now i might be able to go feb 27th... but at this point i am so ready to fucking drop out and get a job.. i want my family back, i want my daughter back, i want my life back...maybe this isnt for me, or maybe it is... i dont know what the right path is to take.... id love to be a MARINE...and i love everything about it... but maybe its not for me...